We should probably talk about those hard nights.
You know the ones…
You are trying to console a scream-crying baby who will not relax their body enough to sleep. You are sweating from bouncing and rocking, aching from holding a baby who is stiffening their body and fighting every attempt at comfort. Your head is pounding from the crying, and you cannot think straight. You cannot take this.
Yeah, those nights.
Those nights when your thoughts start slipping out of your grasp and you barely recognize your own thinking. Those nights where you feel like you have nothing left — like you are hanging on by a thread.
Those nights where you keep asking yourself why this is your baby’s life…maybe even why this is your life.
Those nights where guilt creeps in because, of course, you know you are fortunate to have this beautiful child and this life you created. But in those moments, the positive thoughts vanish.
And suddenly, you are desperate to grab onto anything that might pull you out of the rut you are in.
Let’s prepare for the next hard night because us mamas of babies with reflux, CMPA, or both know that until everything is just right, there will probably be another hard night.
Those hard nights will look different one day. One day it may be your toddler proudly exercising the word “no” as you tell them it is bedtime. The hope is that this also helps prepare you for those days ahead.
It is important, when you are having one of those nights, to understand that your sleep-deprived, overstimulated, stress-riddled brain is not processing reality normally. Your brain can go into fight-or-flight mode, and some of you may feel like you have been stuck there for quite some time. I know I was before we found any real symptom relief for baby girl.
Of course, always put the baby down somewhere safe if your thoughts are becoming too dark or overwhelming. Grab your partner if that is an option. Call a support person if possible.
But if your brain is not entering dangerous territory, here is a mindset shift that may help you get through these nights a little easier.
First, you know that “shhh” sound mamas instinctively make the moment their baby enters this world? I want you to try something a little different.
Instead of focusing on the perfect shushing sound — which probably is not working anyway if your baby is crying hard — I want you to focus on yourbreathing instead.
Close your eyes if you safely can. If not, simply soften your gaze and relax your forehead.
Now take big, steady breaths in and out. At first, they may sound like dramatic sighs or annoyed exhales — that is okay. The first few probably will sound frustrated because you are frustrated.
After a few breaths, try adding a gentle hum on the exhale while keeping your mouth slightly open. Inhale through your nose, exhale slowly with the hum. The sound should resemble loud ocean breaths.
The goal here is not to calm the baby first. The goal is to calm you.
Instead of chasing the perfect soothing noise for your baby, focus on creating a deep, relieving breath for yourself.
Next, think about the last time you laughed. What was it at? Let yourself revisit that moment. Do not be afraid to chuckle a little right there in the middle of the chaos — you need it more than you think.
Now think about the last time your baby smiled or laughed. What made them happy? Let yourself fully re-feel that moment.
Then open your eyes and look at your baby. Remind yourself that they are not doing this to you. They are hurting, uncomfortable, overwhelmed — and they need you.
Remind yourself that they were happy earlier today. They are not just a miserable baby all the time. They simply have really hard moments sometimes.
Now picture them a year from now. They will likely be walking. Think about their wobbly little legs and diaper bum toddling across the room. Let yourself smile at the thought.
Continue those rhythmic ocean breaths. Let them convince your brain that you are safe enough to relax your body, even in this hard moment.
Babies borrow regulation from us. So when we are highly stressed and dysregulated, they may feel that on top of everything they are already experiencing. Calming yourself is not selfish — it helps you better help them.
Most importantly, remind yourself:
This is a hard moment. It is not forever.
You’ve got this, mama. You are stronger than you think.
The Patient Mama 